I finally found a mascara I don't hate.

And here it is: 'Cils d'Enfer' Maxi Lash Mascara by Guerlain. Before I finally found it, though, via a Sephora sample, I was forced to endure two weeks using Marc Jacobs Beauty Lash Lifter Gel Volume Mascara, which somehow managed to make me look like I had perhaps four eyelashes, all of them shorter and straighter than my mascara-less natural lashes. The Guerlain doesn't quite live up to Chantecaille, but it's half the price and close enough.